|serpens_fic (serpens_fic) wrote,|
@ 2012-03-28 13:36:00
|Entry tags:||fests10, fic, humor, mcgonagall, neville, one shot|
FIC: From the Desk of Headmistress McGonagall, various (R)
Title: From the Desk of Headmistress McGonagall
Rating: R for adult situations
Word Count: ~1,5000
Characters and/or Pairings: Minerva, brief mention of Neville/Percy, Flitwick, Hooch, Sprout, Pince....others mentioned in passing
Summary: It’s not really a good idea to mix alcohol, gossip, and correspondence
Warnings: tipsy Headmistess, voyeuristic librarian, generally pervy staff
Disclaimer: If they were mine, they’d all be shucking their kits more often!
Author's Notes: This wasn’t at all what I’d intended. I’d intended to show the coming-out party itself, but then Minerva got into my hidden stash of Gillywater, and.....well. *cough*. Happy Hoggywarty Holidays! This was a lot of fun to write :)
To August Longbottom, via Hogwarts Owl:
It is blessedly quiet here with the students gone home for holidays - a relief, I assure you. The students always get out of hand with snow on the ground, sugar in their stomachs, and the promises of gifts - and the elves will continue to ply them with cocoa and biscuits at all hours of the day in cold weather, no matter how much I entreat and order and cajole them! Some days I am half tempted to follow Miss Granger’s example and give them all clothes!
Now that the staff can relax a little - for once not a single student stayed at the castle - perhaps you’ll come to tea at least once before the staff Christmas party? You will come to that, of course, and bring something stronger than Gillywater. We shall need it if Filius begins recounting his youthful adventures again. I can tell you countless adventures involving Filius, but I assure you, not one ends the way he claims they do! Tall tales indeed, for one of such diminutive stature. That is a horrible thing to say, and yet so true, and he’d be the first to admit it with a good bottle of Ogden’s in him. No more than one, mind - any more than that, and he decides clothing is optional! Filius is strictly banned from hard liquors while even a single student remains on the premises, ever since he accidentally mooned poor Mister Potter the day after the Battle for Hogwarts - did you hear about that? I had to pour almost a full bottle of Ogden’s itself down Potter’s throat to convince him it was simply a bad dream. Filius paid for the bottle, of course.
Speaking of Flagrante Delicto - You’ll never believe who was caught today with his pants down! Percival Weasley had visited to make use of our library here at Hogwarts over the winter recess. Apparently he’d come to see more than just the books, because Irma caught him naked as the day he was born, performing fellatio on a staff member! She said it took her a good minute to stop staring and remember she couldn’t dock points - ah, but Irma has always had unerring aim with the Bollix frigidus hex. Works like a charm every time, and you learn exactly what language you should dock points for come term!
Speaking of boots and backsides....if you hadn’t guessed already, it was your grandson Neville who was the recipient of such earnest attention. Irma said I should tell you he’s just like Frank was - and it was just a fighting shame he beats for his home team. In her own words, and to imagine such comments from a coworker! - “He’s built like an ox and hung like a horse.” According to Pomona, it’s her doing - apparently his work in her greenhouses have really filled him out nicely. Quite nicely; Irma confessed she couldn’t look away while he dressed, and hang propriety. A “nice change to see a well-muscled backside instead of a pubescent’s pasty arse”. Her words, not mine - who knew she had such a tongue in her head? No hope, I suppose, he swings both ways? Regardless, it appears he’ll be pawed over by the female half of the staff here; Irma would have to go and tell everyone every last juicy detail.
(Argus, dirty old man that he is, claims all Longbottom men are so well endowed - I refuse to ask him if his knowledge is first-hand. But I really have to ask, how did you manage to sit down after? No, never mind, I don’t want to know unless you’re bringing something strong to drink!)
Ahem. Well. As you know, it’s traditional for new staff to be mentored by a senior staff member of the same orientation. While technically this would be Rolanda, this would admittedly cause a good deal of friction between the female staff - especially after his measurements became common knowledge (again, you can blame Irma for that - she is completely unable to keep her thoughts to herself. I suppose it is all for the good that she spends most of her time with her head in a book!). There is, however, one of the male staff who prefers his own gender. He was reluctant to mentor anyone, but in the interest of harmony between staff (and a bribe of two cases of Ogden’s, a bottle of aged elderflower wine, and the promise to forever absolve him of mentoring if he does so this once) he agreed.
Yes, I know Severus and Neville have not always got on, but I had to be reasonable. It would have been all out war in the staff room had I asked Rolanda to mentor him. It just would not do! But I will not let Severus harangue Neville as he used to - not only is Neville a coworker, but as Headmistress, I have claimed the right to tease him myself. Do you know, Augusta, he flushes almost to his toes, Irma says? Just like the time I caught Frank and Alice in one of the airing cupboards - it must be genetic, that ability to flush so deeply!
Oh dear, I am rambling on. Maybe I really shouldn’t drink anything stronger than Gillywater. But I do feel the need for something stronger on occasion, most often after grading the nearly-inarticulate work of my first-years! I really do understand sometimes why Severus terrorises his students so. I feel quite tempted to scare some intelligence into them myself, if I didn’t fear the last of their wits would dribble out of their ears! Oh yes - about Severus. No, I have stories enough to keep even Severus from humiliating Neville.
I might even tell you some of them, if you could be induced to bring some of the treacle tart your elf makes? Or at least send the recipe along to the Hogwarts elves. You really can’t find its equal anywhere....you know, Severus and Neville are both quite fond of treacle tart? Do you think they could - ? No, never mind. Foolish thought. Though I’m sure some of the students would have raptures over the thought of the two of them - despite Severus’ attempts to be quite the dour, forbidding professor, I’ve caught no few students staring star-struck at his retreating form. It’s all to the good that he wears those voluminous robes of his - he hasn’t a spare ounce of flesh on him, and while not as solid as your grandson, there are many who like that lean mean look. I had a fancy a time or two myself - well, with good reason, you know. There was the time I found him in the dungeons after a potions accident - it had eaten away his clothing. Not a stitch of fabric left, and him all long pale legs and broad shoulders and such a lovely long cock between his legs, and -
Oh my, I really have had too much Gillywater! But it is a crying shame that all the best men beat for their own team. Albus, you know, would have just laughed at my complaints. A shame!
Ouch! The owl just pecked me something fierce, and no wonder. I’m keeping her from hunting - Pomona says there’s a rodent infestation in greenhouse four, and she’s asked the school owls to hunt there until it’s under control. I’ll just close this, and send it along.
Do say you’ll come to the staff party - not only can you drink Rubeus under the table, you tell better stories than Filius. I won’t take no for an answer!
Headmistress of Hogwarts
To Minerva McGonagall, via personal Owl:
If your students are troublesome with sugar in their bellies, you are decidedly worse with a glass of Gillywater in you – consider banning yourself along with Filius. Such cheek from the Headmistress of a supposedly respectable institution!
As for my grandson Neville – in face he takes after his mother, but the rest, I assure you, is one hundred percent Longbottom. And Longbottoms are all generally built like an ox. Try to have some decorum and keep the staff from pawing at him – I didn’t agree to let him work at Hogwarts just so he could be the school’s afters!
(As for sitting down – not that it’s any of your business, but either you can take it or you can’t. I never heard any complaints from my dearly departed.)
If Severus gives you grief about mentoring my Neville, there’s a lovely little blue-balls hex that can’t be cured by his potions. He may just see Neville in a whole new light - certainly has more chance than treacle tart. Honestly! I’m starting to think you have no more wits than your students!
If only your students knew you were such an inveterate gossip. I’ve no time for tea, but I’ll mark down the staff party. I’ll bring some tarts if you’ll supply the Gillywater - it is distinctly uncouth of you to get soused without me.